sometimes you have to break away from life

sick and tired

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 04:54:31 GMT

My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line

A little late for all the things you didn't say
I'm not sad for you
But I'm sad for all the time I had to waste
'Cause I learned the truth
Your heart is in a place I no longer wanna be
I knew there'd come a day
I'd set you free
'Cause I'm sick and tired
Of always being sick and tired

Chorus:
Your love isn't fair
You live in a world where you didn't listen
And you didn't care
So I'm floating
Floating on air

Oh.. yeah...

No warning of such a sad song
Of broken hearts
My dreams of fairy tales and fantasy, oh
Were torn apart
I lost my peace of mind
Somewhere along the way
I knew there's come a time
You'd hear me say
I'm sick and tired
of always being sick and tired

(Chorus 2x)

My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line
My love is on the line

My love is on the line

(Chorus)

-anastacia "sick and tired"

"HAPPY FUCKIN' NEW YEAR"

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 05:32:43 GMT

okay well new years was hell...this has to be the sadest new years ever. im not even trying to get into details about it. lets just say the person that i needed to be with at 12 was absent. jody has not been himself latley. we got into a bad fucking arguement. which was on me...i woke up pissed off and just angry. and when i realized my bag had been gone through i tottaly lost it. i flipped out on jody...dumbass me right! well i end up pisses off him and then he gets angry at me. during our fighting yelling and screaming. for the second time i heard him say " I hate you". that really fucking put an end to everything i was screaming and yelling. i felt like he had stabbed me in the heart...i broke down and started crying and lost all composor from there out. i feel completley like as low as i can when i break down like that. i really hate having others see me like that. and jody has seen me like that the most. i cant handle things...cause i hold my emotions in so often that when i cant hold it in anymore i loose it...thats when i crack completley and cant pull toghther. i got like that from the thought that he might actually mean those words he shouted at me. second times a charm! well we worked it out somewhat by the time we got to my house. or so i thought. he even seemed like everything was okay. even on the phone it seemed like everything was okay again, or conversation ended with "love you", "love you too". well i ended up sleeping all day friday. i woke up on sat...............

this is the part i really would rather not talk about at this point. saturday was a horrible day...jody really let me down....and if i begain to go back and have to live that day through a journal entry i think i get completley emotional again. and i would rather not do that...my tears are more than thats worth right now.

.......monday i take my moms car and go to his house out of the blue because he is not answering his phone and has his cell phone still turned off from hours before. well story short...cause i really dont feel like talking about this anymore...he was sopose to come to my house tonight to spend the night with me. i left his house hours ago and he was leaving right behind me and stoping by jims to try to pick up some of that bitch (lets make sure i put this in there...THAT I WANTED AND ASKED HIM TO GET) and bring it hear and we were going to chill and then pass the fuck out. i asked him alot times before i got in my moms car if he was really coming to my house. he gives me the same ol "i promise" but i should have known. a promise to jody is broken more often then kept these days. of course its now 12:08 and jody has not phoned me or anything. not even to say i dont think i am going to come over tonight. i mean shit thats just respectful so that you dont have people waiting on you...and i think its funny how he always wants to bitch and tell me im disrespectful. he it is my love...you respect me absolutley never! he is not answering when i call him. i mean i dont know either the damn drug or its his "friends" that make him tottaly forget about me completley. he goes for hours without ever calling or answering his phone. how could you do that to the person that you say you love. i would never do that to him. i dont have it my heart to ignore him. im really starting to wonder if he is in love with me or jim and the crew. he does not even see a problem. his defense is telling me that i always wont to play the victim. well if he would open his eyes he would actually see that i am the victim weather i chose it or not. im not treating him like this...all i want is communication and time spent with him. but he is pushing me away so fucking much. its like he is turning into a completley diffrent person since the shit has been back in town for some time. im telling you tuesday of last week he was completley a diffrent person. he actually acted like i was so special to him. but i dont know latley. i mean when i was with him he acted like i ment something but as soon as he leaves and goes back to the crack house he does not even know i exist. i dont know what to do about this. i shouldnt deal with this bullshit should i. but it all happened to suddenly. i know that he is trapped in some kind of fog and its causing him not to act himself. i hate it but i love him so fucking much...i keep allowing him to walk all over me and treat me like this and thats why he must think its okay. but i would do anything for his ass...and i love him with every inch of my heart. i can just feel it rippen apart everyday that this continues. how does my heart have to be abused before it cant possibly take anymore. i dont wont to find out that im in love with someone that is not in love with me. i feel hes drifting from away from me. latley he doesnt trust anything i say or do either. i dont know how to prove to him that im being completley honost with him. and that im not out doing things he thinks. i feel like hes sketcing out on me. he is wanting to make me out to be this person im not. i wish i knew why. i think that me and jody need some theropy...it wouldnt be such a bad thing for us. well i cant talk about this anymore...i need to go reorganize my closet and take shit off my walls...then im passing out i guess alone.

tick tock---tick tock...watching the time go by!!!

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 15:32:16 GMT

here i sit...its oh so familiar this situation that im in. im alone in my solitude sitting at my boyfriends computer. hes not here of course, he had to get away! this is the third time he has left me sitting alone with nothing but bordom on my mind. it all started when we finished watching SPUN (an awsome fucking movie, britney murphy is amazing in this one) well the movie got me wanting some shit. so he calls up jim and says hes going to pick up some shit and he'll be back as soon as he can. well an hour or so must have passed and he called and said that he does not have it yet and it seems that everyone is angry with him cause no one will talk to him. he asked me if he should stay there a little longer. i agreed cause i pot keeping me occupied. well another hour and half passes and i finally text message him and tell him "either he has it or he doesnt at this point". he replied saying they wont talk to me. so i told him to leave cause i needed cigs anyways and wanted him to pick me up some. so 30 minutes later he gets to his house and i can tell is all geeked out. i cant help but be bitter twords him and the situation. and sopposibly i didnt do a good job hiding the fact that i was upset...cause he called me out on it. he told me there was some being delivered in a bit. so at like 1 he leaves again. to spare myself from complete boredom i smoke a joint to the face and sketch im my new sketch pad for a bit then i lay down. im woken up at 5 from jody. he got the shit so i get up do some and then procced to clean and straighten up...well jody is still being weird twords me. he wont look at me, touch me or it seems want to be around me. at about 7 he tells me he is going to go back over there to try to get some more shit and get his flower pot that he left. i made a remark saying "another 4 hours alone?" he told me he would not be there long at all cause he has things to do. i didnt wont him to go but im not trying to hold him back from doing what he wants. im not the controling type. so i bit my tongue and watched him leave again. now its 10:15 and he has not called or anything...im alittle fed up with this. i dont understand why he cant chill for a bit then leave. no he must stay all fucking night and day long. he must have thought that i would be alright cause i got some shit. but thats not important to me. i want him to be here with me. but i know that when he gets here it will be like he isnt here anyways...cause he'll be running around doing this and that around his house. i wish i had not even asked to get any...cause i didnt know this would be the outcome. plus im starting to realize we do so much better when we are not on this shit. on the shit theres tension and blindness of emotions. im going to smoke a cig...im started to get really stressed out.

remember me journal???

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:17:45 GMT

okay journal i know that i have been M.I.A for a really long time. i kinda lost myself there for awhile and im back. now im not going to even try and catch you up on what has happened over the last year or so. but i will tell you that i lost alot of me for a really long time. but i have found myself again and im back its me completley myself again. it took till now for me to wake and want to be me again. im a diffrent person now but you'll catch on fast to who the new me is...lets just say i fell in love, experience pain, tons of disapointments, but now i got a reality check...and im changing some things. okay well im going to eat something and let my ambien kick in so i can sleep really well tonight and have good fresh day tommorow. i have lots to do tommorow. it time to get things done. well till tommorow journal take care!!!

-matt-

my words

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 06:31:45 GMT

my heart is lost no vision or direction to lead,
the path is drawn out in front of my memmory,
gathering my things i stumble blindly,
my concious mind is reaplaying the same scene,
over and over again,
i will find my way,
tortured and bruised my soul is nonexistant,
im draining the last tear ill shed for you,
dilute my nerves with the pain killer that kills,
what has my life become underneath your control,
ill lose it all,
everything is to me nothing,

LOST

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 03:38:24 GMT

those you love turn away,
cant they see the tears that lonliness brings,
persacute and point the blame,
unaware of the knife they push deeper in my veins,
push, push, push me away,
maybe ill wake and finally be strong and leave,
demands of who you wont me to be,
can i not stand on my own two feet or is the ground not stable enogh,
abused by your word,
they cause me to belive im as worthless and torn unknowing of my reflection,
the swinging door,
much like your moods your causing myself to fear your presence,
does your heart beat,
or have you shut it down, locked it up and demolished the remains,
i cant accept what you hand me,
for your hand is still out waiting for an exchange,
imagine yourself without the chemicals,
no its unthought of they're much to powerful and unable to break the cycle,
hit the floor and crashed,
i turn to you for comfort and support maybe someone who will understand,
no thats making things to easy,
its a struggle to help those you love and the stress is more than deserved,
i starve and disapear,
right before your eyes easily seen that you could care less,
someone open these eyes of mine,
i wont to view the real picture not my hope for that sudden change and exstasy,
im wishful for many things,
but i cant wish on something that isnt actually here

its been way to long...dont cha think?

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 01:03:50 GMT

okay so im 18 years old wooo....how cool is that. i can buy my own cigs and go to the club...i guess i kinda feel like i have more responsibilities but yeah it comes with the age right? still no job...grr it really sucks. now that im 18 im going to apply at some stores in the mall...i hope i get a job at urban outfitters.

okay so im no longer single...yay for me right? lol. i met a really awsome guy. his name is david (loki). hes so damn hot...i feel really good about this right now. the only problem is i dont get to see him much because he lives in winston. but i see him like every weekend. hes perfect to me...he really means alot to me already but im kinda scared cause im falling for him hard but i dont want to fall to hard to soon and then have my heart broken. well see how it all goes. he balances me out so much. and hes going to be a designer also. so we can learn alot from each other. im so happy these days.

im so burnt...the tanning bed killed me today. i decided it was time to go the tanning bed again. its that time of the year again. anyways okay so i think im going to go...i want to draw some sketches and see what homework that i have to do. lata journal.

what the....?!?

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 00:30:36 GMT

okay first things first...what the fuck is that thing when you go to livejournal.com? it was a sheep with bright blinking chrismas lights tangled around it. crazy right? haha sorry that just caught me off guard.

so its that holiday season again. wow...i cant belive that in two days i get to unwrap my gifts lol. i love christmas. i feel real good this year cause even my broke ass scrapped up some money and got people gifts. although i learned tonight that wrapping gifts...well its not my thing. omg i struggled trying to wrap and cute the paper just right. but everytime i would fuck it up. doesnt that suck.

well im getting all my college things in soon. scary fact that my futur depends on an application. im getting things toghther in my life...finally realizing theres more to life than just a party. one day the party has to end. not that im not going to party but im calming my shit down. i mean i dont have to party all the time. but yeah sorry that was just some shit i wanted to get accros. okay its becoming hard for me to type for some reason. so i guess i better stop.

happy holidays journal,
your boy matt

yep yep yep (what can i say that i havent already)

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 23:13:56 GMT

so first things first, gwen stefani's cd "love, angel, music, baby" comes out on tuesday...i will have a limited edition cd in my hand you can bet on that. shh...dont tell anyone that i already have a copy of the cd. i feel so bad. but i had to download all the songs before the cd came out. now im addicted to the fucking cd. and i cant stop lisening to it. i offically have all the lyrics down. lol. but im still going to have the cd in my hands on tuesday.

omg so jason never called me back last night. im going to kick his ass..lol like that would ever happen. he could kill me in one strick. sad i know. anyways...he wanted me to go watch football with him, i would have but i was already out with moe. and i was fucked up...from smoking like all day. so i told him to come to katies and drink with us...i called and no one answered...so i waited awhile and called again. no answer once again. so i left a message. he never called me back. i was kinda bummed about that. im not used to ppl not calling me back. grr. oh well im not going to think about that right now.

iv really been blowing off jody latley. i feel bad but, he is acting weird around me latley. but hes a cute fun friend of mine. i just dont know whats up with that friendship. weve kinda got a friendship that i dont really understand. im going to call him in the next few days.

so everyone and there mom is coming into town this weekend. cause its turkey day. lol. i love turkey day. i may not look like i like to eat...but to your surprise i do. haha. turkey day is one of the best holidays ever...cause there is dank ass food. mmmm...god thats making me hungry...drooling all over my comp would not be good lol. so angela's coming to town. i havent seen her in awhile. we are going to go out sometime next week. kevin is also comin in town. shit i dont really dont want to do anything with him...but he want get off my case about seeing him. so i guess i can spare one night for him. damn that sounded so bitchy. but if you understood kevin you would say the same thing. im going to eden for like two days...whoa hoo... fun right. quinn will be in the mountains....aww i miss that boy so much..i wish he still lived in charlotte. why did he have to leave me. fuck..lol. i have no idea what else everyone is doing for turkey week. but i should find that out. i might be going to scorpios on wed with lindsay and katie for college nigt...that should be fat ass right? hehe.

okay well i think thats its for right now...im not really in the mood to be typing. its kinda a struggle for me right now. plus mom is making dinner...

whats going on with me...let me clear my chest

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 02:39:44 GMT

well let me start off by telling you about school...school is going so well. senoir year is so easy. omg you cant belive how great it is. my report card was good. that makes me happy. the only class that i need to work harder in is spanish. damnit i hate spanish so much. my brain just does not want to learn spanish. i just finished signing up for the SAT test on december 4th. and iv been applying to so many colleges its going to be great. iv been working on my portfolio for fit. its starting to look very awsome. who would have known 5 years ago that i would have a talent in fashion. it was not thought of untill 2 years ago. and now fashion is my life. its my thrill, my art, my expression and my dedicated heart.

okay this weekend is going to busy...first of all my sister is coming into town tommorow around lunch time. ill be in school but ill see her when i get out. i love my sister...im glade she is coming. mo's mom is going out of town this weekend. so we are throwing down at her lake house on friday or saturday night. i cant wait. me and my mom are going shopping for my winter shit this weekend also. i love winter shopping. it makes me so happy. then i also need to go job hunting...probly want get that done till like sunday. the next weekend i think im trying to go see my friend angela at unc. and katie wants me and mo to go up to ecu sometime in the next few weeks. party party party. thats what im talking about. im also going to get together with quinn if he comes to town.

~LESS BUSH, MORE TRESS~

you cant see what i hide,
i would let you see,
but it would never be right,
your lead further from me,

gets better every meeting,
but the tension grows,
im not alone in this,
or has the people made you stray,

ill guide you back this way,
ill let you play,
give into truthful eyes,
anxiety and neverending butterflys,

i wish you would catch me,
understanding how i was you,
i stand in front of the past,
now i feel what i didnt ago,

im a sudden burden,
crying cause my heart bleeds,
my lips sewed tightly together,
i want you to understand me,

im sorry,
im sorry,
i cant be the craving,
to the evergrowing appietit,
im sorry,
im sorry,
you can save me,
take me away from the dark poets,
open my doors,
realese me from the emptieness,
im sorry,
im sorry,
that you must feel the tension,
i wish i could tell everyone,
im sorry,
im sorry,

this thing called LIFE

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 04:57:11 GMT

okay sorry journal i know it has been so long since iv updated but iv truly been busy. time is a funny thing to me. it comes and conquers...and goes on its way into past. and we grow with time. so in case you dont know yet journal...me and kevin are over. that was something extremly sweet and aged sour. i wish i could just find someone who wanted the same things as me. its hard to find. me and kevin still talk sometimes not much though. its one of those time to time "heys...&...byes". well today i woke up and blazed down with stacie...good times right. i love fall break. then we went with lindy to the mall. shit speaking of time. my life has been very busy and full of things filling my 24 hour days. well i havent talked to jason in awhile...not for any perticular reason...just cause iv been busy and shit. anyways so i walk into the mall and i see someone that i thought i knew. but i looked back down without even worring anymore about it. then out of the corner of my eye i see a figuer aproaching me. i look up and it takes me a few seconds to realize that jason was standing in font of me. then i realize the face that i thought i reconized. it was jasons bf. it was kinda a awkward thing. i felt like jasons bf was about to kick my ass or some shit. i sure he wasnt happy that he had to meet me.

sudden whispers brush my ear,
triggers weakness and emotional fault,
you have no idea,
only my actions might show,
something pricks me and makes me bleed,
god, it really hurts,
with my eyes i view truth,
happiness from the eyes of the loved,
i wish i felt the same for you,
instead i crash under my outershell,
the original choice,
first picked and noticed,
turning my head away making no comprehension,
i was young and restless needing to be calmed,
now grown and aged its all changed,
i run back to comfort and it cant help,
iv come back for nothing you can give,
youre past origins and forgotten about me,
now i sit and watch your reflection,
do i even know you,
maybe i should take a closer look inside.

sorry about that i got kinda inspired to write. anyways so i met up with brandon, andrew, drew and stacie and we went to scarawinds...the reason is because somehow drew got us in for free. so i was like okay lets go. so that was fun i guess...well a day of smoking leads to a night of deep rest. so i think im going to go do that. lata journal.

Brandon Boyd is my god lol

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 00:18:58 GMT

omg so monday night i went to go see incubus. damn it was so fucking amazing. i was trashed as hell though but it was great fun. so i love brandon boyd to death. he is the hottest mother fucker to ever be placed on this earth. and he has an incredible voice. anyways so that has been the high light of my week. iv been working hard on my senoir exit latley and that is such a pain in the ass. i cant wait to have it all done. writing research papers stress me out. well i know this is short but i got to go look up some stuff on the school i might be going to next year. lata

NO MORE CHILDHOOD!!!!!

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 05:56:19 GMT

latley you have no idea how much reality is hitting me. in just a few months i will be 18 years old and graduating high school. its time to grow up! i never thought that it would be like this. but it is. im SCARED...im going to be an adult. that is terrifying to me. iv got all these things really stressing me out. like what school am i going to next year. should i take a year off. should i move out. can i affored to move out. whats going to happen with all my friendships? will i ever get to the fashion institute in nyc? what will i do to make money when im in ny? will my parents help me out when i need it? will i ever be a famous desighner? will i ever find love? will my dreams come true? are my goals to high? whats my life going to be like w/my parents helping me out when i need it? will i have kids? please god let me have a family of my own.

as you can tell im so worried. i know that everything will turn out fine but im still so afraid. my life now is all iv grown to know. and iv sudenly stoped and realized its time to grow up and become everyhthing iv dreamt of. i hope i can do it.

CENSOR ME [if you think you can]

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 02:13:49 GMT

okay so i defintly went out last night and had an awsome time. i got into scorpios. when me and ian first got their it was like 11 and normally thats on the early side but the line was so long...like we waited in line forever. and that really killed my buzz that i had from a few drinks. well jason called and was like if you dont want to go in ill come and get you and you can spend the rest of the night with me. so that really made me mad cause that put me in a situation that i did not want to be put in. so after fighting with him i was like im not leaving ian and im going to go in. so when i got to the door i was so scared cause i was afraid that i would not be allowed in. but the guy looked at the id and was like wow you sure have changed alot havent you...i was like yeah and he winked at me and put the wrist band on my arm and let me in. i was like HELL YEAH. it didnt hit me that i was in. not untill i actually opened the club on the lefts door and saw the large crowd of ppl and the awsome drag show that was going on. while i was watching a drag show, david sewell saw me and procceded to point at me and slapped his wrist cause he knew that i was not sopose to be there. so i was so happy being there it was just something completley new and fresh for me. i fucking loved it. after a few guys approaced me and bought me some drinks i was ready to fucking show everyone on that dance floor exactly what i was about. and let me tell you i dont think i could have danced any harder or better. it was just perfect. next thing i know im dancing all up on this really hot guy all up on him grinding and getting really into it, when another guy came up to me and started dancing on me and procceded to take my shirt off. so there i was dancing with my body dripping with sweat and just being myself. it was so fucking great. i ended up dancing with ians friend danny the most. damn danny could dance...he was rolling so he was like a machine he never stoped dancing. but i liked dancing with him cause he was a good ass dancer. okay so there was this guy on at the patio who was obssesed with my feet for some reason. i found that weird. so around 4 me and ian and danny left...i left with 7 new numbers in my phone. as soon as i walked out of the club my phone rang and it was jason...i did not answer it...later on i checked the messages and he apalogiesed for being such a dick. but anyways im over that. ill probley go up to waxahl later this week and see jason. cause im not mad at him at all. anyways i had a fucking awsome time. it could not have been better. although i felt kinda dirty when ian informed me of how many ppl i was kissing. oh well...your only young once right? why not live it up and be wild and throw all the rules out the window.

now i have to go figuer out what the fuck im going to wear to school tommorow and do some crunches...fun stuff right.

sorry its been so long

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 22:26:33 GMT

god i know its been forever since iv updated...well im not going to write a really long entry talking about what has gone on im my life since my last update. so ill just act as though iv been updating everday it is so much easier that way anyways. so iv been cleaning all day yay right! lol not really. but i had to make some money so that i can go to scorpios tonight...i want to shake my ass at the club so bad tonight i will go to any meseaure to make sure that i get in. i tried to get into bar charlotte the other weekend that diddnt work. but ian says that gay clubs are completly diffrent and they let anyone who is cute in. so i think that i got that one down ya know lol. i dont mean to sound vain or nothing lol. so quinn might be going tonight also hes in town from csa. me and ian went to get him on friday from winston salem. god that was a long drive would have been better if i had some bud. oh well sometimes you have to be sober lol. angela also came back from chapel hill so i got to chill with her last night. i havent seen jason clark in forever it seems i wish he would come back in town...i called him the other day and he was in wilmington with his boy. speaking of jasons i met this new guy (no not someone that im dating) anyways hes rich and owns a horse farm out in waxhaw. he moved down here from the hamptons were he was good friends with vera wang and leo dicaprio. i didnt belive him at first untill he showed me pics with him and them out. so this summer i might be going up to the hamptons with him. hell yeah i want to meet vera wang so bad. but hes a nice guy and im glade i met him. but hes nothing more than a friend. wow okay i need to go shower work out a bit and shit so that im ready to go in a few hours...ill tell you if i get in or if i dont. later.

a little bit of this and that

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 23:54:07 GMT

well today i had to go to my hair salon after school to take some pics for there website. it was fun as hell. they dyed my hair with these diffrent strands of blonde. i fucking love it. im going to be my hair salons website tommorow. isnt that fun. i hope the picture that they pic is a good one. if not oh well. its all good. either way i had fun doing it. it took me like 4 hours for the whole proccess to get done. anyways now i dont have anything to do. blah im really bored right now. well i think im heading down to stacie's to bum her a cig. lata

fast one

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 10:45:56 GMT

shit sorry i have to make this one extremly a fast update. cause im actually waiting on lindy to come and get me so i can go to school. okay so yeah i had school yesterday which did not suck as much as i thought it would. but yet it still wasnt fair that we had to go back so soon. anyways me stacie and ian went on a adventure downtown afterschool. we walked all over the damn city it was kinda fun but at the same time i was wearing my new rainbows so my feet were killing me...but i sucked it up and kept moving. we saw some pretty interesting things. on the way home we got stuck in rush hour traffic. so i fell asleep in the back of ians car. lol. when i got home i did the dishes and went to bed at 7:30. i know its early but i did not go to sleep the night before. i woke up this morning at 4:50 and now im off to start my new day.

the best party ever

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 05:17:44 GMT

okay so last night was so fucking crazy...damnit ill just tell you the whole damn night.

well me and ian went to see steven about some bud...which did not happen. so then he was like look lets go and try and find some. so he got in ians car about half way down his street he was like shit turn the car around i have some bud in the house that we can smoke. so we turned the car around...then elizabeth wanted to come with us so we took her smoked a few bowls then went to go get karen. karen was not that comfortable cause she does not get along with elizabeth very well. anyways so then we drove down to north davidson and droped off steven and elizabeth off. then me and ian and karen went over to jordans house cause it was lindsays birthday. so we went over there and ashley was there...yay i had not seen her since summer school. god i love that girl but i do not see her enough. it really sucks. anyways i had good bit to drink there. i was feeling really good. lord quinn was so drunk he was running around in his boxers. i had never seen him act like that. jenny met up with karen at jordans house. me and ian went to drop quinns drunk ass off. and it was about 12 and i was heading home...then ian was like lets go to the keger up at north davidson. i was like alright. so as quiet as i could i went in my house and said goodnight to my mom and went out the back door and ran my ass to ians car. then we were off...i was so glad when we made it there. elizabeth ran up to the car and was screaming our names. she was so excited to see us. it was really sweet. there were tons of ppl there...like made ass mother fucking ppl. they had a bouncer and everything. i felt so vip though cause ian knew the guy that lived there it was one of his best friends...btw its this really hot straight dude named david. holy shit he is so hot. and ian was friends with all the ppl up stairs...so me and ian got to go to the real party inside. only certain ppl were allowed inside. and i was one of them. i loved it. the i called up karen while ian was having a joint rolled for him by david. she told me she was also heading up there. i was so excided. bryan was inside. so i talked to him alot while the bong was being passed around the kitchen table. then this really sweet girl who lived there named daniel was like lets hit the gb. i was like okay expecting not much. well the gb was in the bathroom in the tub it was a fucking big ass trash can. i was so fucked up when i left that bathroom. after stubling my ass to find bryan we went down stairs were there were so many ppl on the patio area just chillin and i headed into the dance area. omg they had a dj and made ppl were raving up in there. you have to understand the party was in a wearhous like place. anyways after i had like 6 cups of beer and smoked more i was ready to dance. i danced my ass off. about 3 karen finaly showed up...it took her 2 hours to get there cause she was so fucked up. me and ian danced alot and then i danced with bryan some. i was wasted as hell. it was great. the first 2 kegs were killed within a few hours and yet they still had more kegs. omg me and karen fucking kissed hard core. like it was crazy. iv been best friends with her since i was like 7 and we never kissed so we just fucking did it. it was so interesting. i think i made out with a few ppl. bad me..shit real bad me. lol. anyways. where was i?. shit i left around 4 and headed home...it was such a great fucking time. accoridng to ian i was all over him in the car. i dont remmber so im like shit if you say so. i remmber kissing him but that about it. lord this was a great party to end my summer. now im back off to school on monday. yay not really. lol. oh shit i forgot to tell you stacie got back from the carribian i was so happy to see her tonight. okay well thats it. my hands hurt from typing. ttyl journal.

so that didnt happen

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:55:47 GMT

okay you know how i told you i was going to clean my closet...by the time that i got back to my room it was like 1 and i was like this is going to take me probly at least an hour or 2 and i cant stay up that late...anyways now i stare at pictures of victoria beckham and david beckham and wonder why the hell are they so fabulous. i cant figuer it out but they are. im probly just going to go upstairs feed my animals watch queer as folk and cut out pictures from magazines and paste them to my wall. i swear im running out of room to put shit. ill have to start putting pix on the ceiling. haha. well today was nice and chill but i hope that something intersting is going on tommorow. well i think im going to head upstairs soon. so till then lata.

Couldn't Care Less/junk of the heart/feathers and down

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:14:59 GMT

--couldnt care less--
oh, my heart can't carry much more
it's really really aching and sore
my heart don't care anymore
I really can't bear more

my hands don't work like before
I shiver and I scrape at your door
my heart can't carry much more
but you couldn't care less, could you?

your face don't look like before
it's really not like yours anymore
your eyes don't like me no more
they quiver and they shift to the floor

my heart don't beat like before
it's never been this slow
no, my blood don't flow anymore
and you couldn't care less, could you?

could we stop and sleep for a spell
we can turn this ditch into a well
and send that old devil back to hell
but we really don't care, do we?

baby, let's stop and sleep for a spell
we can turn this ditch into a well
and send that old devil back to hell

your back's not straight like before
you really shouldn't carry me no more
I'm much too heavy for you
I'm really quite a mess, yes

we just don't care anymore
we're crooked and we're cut to the core
we're just not there anymore
but we really don't care, do we?

no, we couldn't care less
we couldn't care less, could we?
-(the cardigans)

--junk of the heart--
We never chose to part / in this stupid play
I never felt by heart / that I could behave / the way the roles were made
I know that I've done you wrong / but you're hard to please
when your faith is gone / and when you can't believe / I'm on my hands and knees
the junk of the hearts
I've given all of me / and you crave for more
weird how this makes us feel / insecure / that's what friends are for
-(the cardigans)

--feathers and down--
so you're try’in to do what they did
your friends that turned to liquid
and got lost in a sea
now you're drowning me

with your talk of four-leaf clovers
you turn to rocks and omen
to beat the ambient harm
that is bruising your karma

oh I wish my arms were wider
I wish that I could hide you
so you could rest and repair

without the blanket of sorrow
the thick and the grey
your blanket of woe
is so heavy and stained

and it only weighs you down

so you thought that getting sober
would mean your life was over
I don't think it's that bad
I don't think it's that sad

just you sleep a little, baby
leave the world alone and later
If you wake up alive
that old blanket of sorrow
could be feathers and down
your blanket of woe would leave you alone

and I could love you 'til you drown…
come to me, let's drown

come baby, let's drown
in feathers and down
-(the cardigans)

untitled

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 05:01:57 GMT

I'm just another body down
Internal bleeding round and round
And all can think of are ways to die alone
And all can think of are ways to die alone

A portrait of my skeletal gain
Left selfish and hungry so feed me the pain
Escape reality with new pain
Then let the cycle start again

And all can think of are ways to die alone
And all can think of are ways to die alone
Dream of content a pain filtered farm
All I can say

Dreams are bad when all they do is leave the truth behind
Dreams are bad when negativity's a state of mind

Dreams are bad when all they do is leave the truth behind
Dreams are bad

-daniel johns (silverchair) one of my favs

Emotion Sickness

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 04:58:30 GMT

Erupt again ignore the pill
I won't let it show
Sacrifice the tortures
Orchestral tear cash-flow
Increase delete escape defeat
It's all that matters to you
Cotton case for an iron pill

Distorted eyes when everything is clearly dying
Burn my knees and...
Burn my knees and pray

E-motion sickness
Addict with no heroine
E-motion sickness

Distorted eyes when everything is clearly dying
Burn my knees and...
Burn my knees and pray

All my friends say
"Get up get up get up...."

E-motion sickness
Addict with no heroine
To idle with an idol
Good things will pass
It helps with excess access
Lessons learnt
Emotion sickness
Lessons learnt

-daniel johns (silverchair)

Black Tangled Heart

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 04:56:42 GMT

Maybe your luck has changed
Settle down
Maybe I'm just deranged
And on the rebound
Maybe love was the thing
Holding me back from all
Maybe I'm just the thing
To break my own fall

Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last before you
See the black tangled heart fall

Maybe departure's good
Makes room for more
Start to mass produce
For a chance to ignore
Maybe you'll kill yourself
Before I get a turn
Maybe I'll fall in love
And never learn

Take the rope to my heart and fall
You may just be the last before you
See the black tangled heart fall

-daniel johns (silverchair)

putting the past behind me and moving on...??

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 04:12:25 GMT

well today was a busy ass day for me...i woke up to a pleasent thunderstorm...acutally i enjoyed it cause i rolled back over and went to sleep for another hour. when i woke nothing really speacial happened. for some reason i did not feel like going out anywhere today. so i never left the house except for the occastional smoke breaks. around 6 i started to clean my room...as i was cleaning i decided i needed a make-over for my room. i was tired of coming home and sitting in the same boring room all the time. so piece by piece all the furniture in my room was removed. when there was nothing left in there but my bed i begain to realize that my room is huge. iv never noticed it before cause i have so much stuff in my room. but i would feel homeless without all my worthless objects in my room. maybe thats cause their mine and all mine....hehehe..lol jk. well its now 12 and i just finished placing every piece in my room cleaning off all the dust and shit on everything. towards the end of cleaning i started to get real ocd cause i was finally about to walk out the door and feel satisfied with my room and take a break ya know. well thats when i looked at the floor for no reason and on the bottom of the desk chair was random dust piles. i rushed twords the duster and begain to dust my heart out then i took a clorox wipe and wiped it. i think this cleaning shit has gotten to me. well my room looks so fabulous now ( yeah i know i just said fabulous...get over it). i wish my fucking sheets would hurry and dry i cant wait to get into bed tonight...ill probly end up watching a good 2 hours of queer as folk then ill pass out for the night. shit no i cant do that not yet cause first i have to clean my closet. hmm is it worth it. i think so, plus im going to do it cause i want to be able to walk in my fucking closet. its sad i have to many clothes that i cant even walk in my walk in closet. thats just bad. but my clothes are everything to me. i know i sound like a possestion freak. but its not like that...i just love clothes. i cant wait till im a designer myself well i hope i get that far. i can settle for fashion consultant. but having my name on the front of a little boutique in ny and cali is my ultimate goal. my clothes are a expressoin of how i feel that day...depending on what i wear is how i feel...and my room is my ever changing mind. thats what i love about my room. you walk in it and everyting screams MATT with loud voices. shit if you dont belive ask anyone whos been in my room. they'll tell you lol. anyways im going to smoke a cig and talk to karen a bit online before i go clean my closet...later journal.

about my day...hmm what can i say.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 03:49:34 GMT

well to start off it was about 12 and im lying in bed sleeping like a baby when my phone rings...knowing that my phone is all the way on the other side of the room i decided to just turn over and check it when i woke up. well next thing i know my phone is ringing again i look at the clock and see its 1:30. so i rubbed my eyes streched a bit and threw on some boxers and stumbled my half asleep self over to my phone. i had 5 missed calls...which i found odd cause my friends dont normaly start calling till like 4. so i check to see who it was and every single time it was ian. come to find out ian had been up all morning and was really bored so he wanted to go to carowinds. which was fine with me cause i told him we were going to go one day this week but i didnt know i would be going 30 mins after i woke up. so 2 joints and and 1 bowl later we finally arrive at our destination. ian fucking got cheap on me and was like we are going to walk from the outlet mall. you know i would have been down with that plan more if it where not like 100 degrees outside. so huffed and puffed my skinny ass all the way to entrance gate, where i had to wait on ian to get his hand stamped so he could stamp my hand with his. i know i know bad right? but i am not giving in to this goverments rediculous payment policies. fuck that 30 dollers that i could defintily spend on other things. anyways so i got in the park and waited in the long ass lines at the park. but it was so worth it. cause that new ride (iv already forgotten the name of it) anyways its fun as hell. the cool thing about it is you lay flat on your back the whole ride. so when it goes upside down you feel like your going to fall face first into the sizzling black tar pavement. but i put my trust in the fact that ian said nothing would happen to me if i let go and put my hands straight out. so i put my hands out without fear (which shocked the hell out of me) i never do anything with out thinking about "what could happen". i felt like superman (yeah im a dork but i really did feel like him lol) soaring through the open air. there was something very freeing when i let my hands slip away from the bars they grasped so tight in the beging. i know that most ppl wont understand what i mean but i really felt like i was letting all the bullshit in my life go. when i got off the ride i must have had a glowing halo falling me around cause i was so at peace withmyself and everything. sometihng on that ride has changed me alot more than it should have. the rest of the night just went great. me and ian went over to amy's...where she cooked us dinner. that was such a great surprise. it was so fucking good. thank god for good food lol. me and ian where going to head up to carabou to see quinn and everyone...but it begain to rain and we figuered that not many ppl would be there. so i called it an early night i headed home around 10:30. i want stacie to get back from her cruise. i miss that girl. shit i also miss monique. she has not called me in a week...it makes me sad. i called her today and left her a message telling her that i missed her and wanted her to call me back. she hasnt called but i know she will. quinn is leaving for school soon so i need to get toghther with him probly tommorow cause right now everyday matters. i dont wont him to leave. shit this is going to suck. anyways so i guess thats about it. ttyl!

"dont let yourself dwell on the past on the future or your presence, forget all that and drop all negativity and enjoy the every breath that you take"